Thursday, February 25, 2010
are you ever uncomfortable in your own skin?
today, i am.
do you ever put something on and then immediately regret it when you leave the house?
today, i did.
i have major anxiety issues and obviously some going on with my self esteem, too. i wore something new today at work. and it looks fine, i guess. but it includes stepping out of my norm, my shell, my comfy that i love so much.
i have on knee high boots.
i have never worn knee high boots with out full length pants. (my mother reminds me that i did wear white go-go boots while performing in college with dance teams but, that is so not the same.) and today i decided (or had a lapse in judgment) that i would wear these knee high boots with a skirt. a shorterish type skirt.
i feel like i look like a kindergarten teacher on crack or something. seriously. in the comfort of my own home, i thought this outfit would work. i mean, how hard could this be, right? i sit at a desk for 8 loooonnnggg hours. but the longer i am forced to remain in public view...the more uncomfortable i become. i get paranoid; as if people can see into my mind, view my thoughts, and silently laugh at what i am thinking.
i know, i know. this is unrealistic.
but it's true. it's how i feel. it's how my day is going.
sometimes, i wish i could get a handle on the whole "i don't care what people think of me and can do whatever i want" thing. cause it doesn't stop at my clothes. i worry about everything and not just the physical. i worry about conversations i haven't even had yet, but may need to be prepared for at a later date. i worry about emails i send that may not have the right tone. i worry about cutting a driver off in traffic and if he'll remember me next time we pass through life on the same road. i wonder...and worry. all the time.
the other night, i had a strange revelation. i had a visitor that night. and my visitor had a phone call. my visitor in MY house-told me not to say anything while they were on the phone. for what? that's total crap. you have to hide the fact that you are at my house? i have to be quiet so you can what, 'safely' have this conversation? what would happen if i decided to yell out or heck, say, anything? how would that adversely affect the conversation you are having? ugh!
i could have screamed. but instead i just told the visitor that i thought it was absolute BS that i had to shut my mouth while they were on the phone AT MY HOUSE. and then it got uncomfortable. the living room seemed smaller. the couches were scooting closer together, quickly. and my revelation was-why do we change ourselves for the benefit of other people? why are there so many versions of ourselves?
i'm working on me. i am a work in progress. i tell myself these things everyday. i want an identity of my own. i don't want to just be his wife, her mom, or his mom. i want to be me. but i don't really know who that is.
i know who i pretend to be at work.
i know who i pretend to be when i'm out and about.
i know who i pretend to be around certain 'friends.'
i have all of these versions of me.
when really... all i want is one version.
to be the same, everyday.
to be normal-whatever the hell that may be.
and i get it. i get that we all have bad days, off days, happy days, sad days, and all the other days in between. but, isn't there anyone out there who really knows who they are?
surely they must exist.
i plan on being one.
cause i'm a work in progress.
and i am sick of being uncomfortable.