the bestest

she's been in school a while now.
buddy has been taking it really hard.
she's always been there, 24/7, 365.
they have never spent days or very many hours apart.

the very first day of school, little man and i got to walk her to the classroom. She was pumped and we were (of course) running late. We quickly rush into the building. i'm suddenly remembering things i've forgotten to do:
paint her toenails.
put the lunch money in an envelope.
write her name on her back pack.
brush your own hair.
leave on time, again.

once we're in there, she's beaming and MP has a sudden urge to pee.
he helps himself to the in-room potty throne. she settles down in her chair and i start doing the 'last minutes' i should have handled at home. MP comes out, helps himself to a john deere tractor and proceeds to drive it around the room. i've finished up and it is time to go. we can't linger any longer. although, we would have both stayed all day if we could. he starts to resist me and i know it's gonna be a fight. i kiss my girl and walk back over to my boy. i can see the fear and hurt in his eyes. i can imagine the thoughts in that too smart 3 year old noggin "so this is it, huh? you told me i can't stay? we'll see about that lady."

and the bottom drops out.

i bring him over to say good bye to his sister. he screams. he cries. he kicks. he pinches. he hollars and wails and fights. i promise y'all he reached new levels of tone, pitch and volume that day. meltdown 101 has passed and he is now in a master's program on fit throwing.

so, we're walking now. through the halls. me and my boy.

i clutch him to my side as best as i can without resorting to the football hold on him. we're quite the lovely pair walking through the otherwise quiet school. he's screaming and i'm silently weeping. i'm fighting with all my might to keep him on my hip. my cheeks hot and wet with tears. people brightly exclaim as we pass, 'Oh, he wants to stay!' i squeeze out a pretend smile and wish their mouths closed shut for eternity. you are not helping PEOPLE! and i'm hurt on two levels this day. one: i was utterly embarrassed. two: i knew how bad this hurt him.

not surprising, it took me twenty minutes or more to leave him at daycare that morning. it was just too much for him to bear. my little man felt abandoned. he missed his sissy so terribly already. and in case you didn't know, he was going to show you just how bad it hurt.

i surprised him that day and picked him up during naptime. we had to pick up sister from 'big school'. she was going to be a carrider for like the only time all year. it was a really big deal. the time finally comes after what felt like a million minutes, and she's with us again. MP couldn't be happier. he picked out a special drink and treat for her and presented it to her with a flourish as soon as she was settled. that afternoon went by quickly.

a few days pass and MP is still struggling. he just doesn't understand why sister is not with him. and why can't he stay with her at 'big school?' it's completely logical to him. drop me off and i will just stay with her, mama. it'll be alright, he says. but we carry on each day. trying to make it work. trying to make it better, easier, a little more bearable for him.

a few more days pass and Norie asks if MP can sleep with her, in her bed. wellllll, okkkkk. sure. why not? he stays in there for a bit and then decides he wants his own room. i come to help him carry his things and my girl starts crying. real tears. and i ask her what's wrong.

she tells me: i just need him to stay with me mama. he's the bestest. he's the bestest, when the lights go out at school; he never gets scared. and when my things fall, like my jewlery box, he always catches them so they don't break. he's just the bestest, mama. he's my hero! she says with a quivering conviction in her voice.

MP is radiating with happiness. his sissy needs him too! she asks him so sweetly, to just stay with her awhile. and eagerly, he climbs back up and settles in with her. snuggles up and kisses her forehead. and as i'm walking out. i hear him whisper, thanks sissy. i luveee youah.

my heart smiles. my two perfect peas in a perfect pod.
bestest friends.

Until, tomorrow morning, i'm sure. ;)

big school

she is my first born.
she is my princess.
she is a diva.
she is an amazing big sister.
she is a kung fu panda bear.
she is a singer of all words.
she is my GIRL.

and my baby...
and mama's baby; well, she started kindegarten this year.
at four years old (going on 17).

i'm going to try to explain to you my emotions leading up to this magical day in my Norie's life. it's gonna be hard. and i'll probably cry again sitting in this chair in the grey walled cubicle at work; but she'll want to know one day how her mama felt.

it started a few weeks before august. i started getting anxious. and antsy. and sick and nervous. Lord, was i sick and nervous.
and then, before i could blink, it was time to buy her school supplies. it was time, already, for backpacks and lunch boxes and crayons and folders. and it was time, for her first REAL taste of that sweet nectar of independence for which she longed for so deeply.
mama cried.

skip to the night before with me. come on. it was August 8, 2011.
nine days before her fifth birthday.
she's out of the bath, getting her jammers on, and playing with her brother in those last few minutes before i say 'bedtime babies!'
she brings the brush over to me so we can get all the tangles.
she leans back ever so sweetly to fall into my arms and says, 'mama, tell me about when i was little? when i was a baby? tell me about that.' she LOVES to talk about that.

and y'all, i swear, it almost knocked the wind out of me.
looking into these old-soul eyes, so deep and brown and beautiful. i didn't see her as herself in that moment, no. i saw her as my miracle baby, my angel, my infant, my gift. all newborn and pink. and then i saw her fat chubby cheeks and those juicy thighs eating baby food for the first time.

then before i knew it, without blinking:

i saw every milestone.
every single smile.
every single cry.
every single word.
every single cut and bruise.
every single moment.
each moment i'd had with her up to this very second in time.

mama cried again.

but, i settled myself down and put on my best cheerful grin and we talked about those moments i just saw flash before my eyes. and she relished those words curled up in my lap with her mama holding her. just like when she was a baby. next, i gently explain that it's getting late and we need to get those tangles out. she sees tears in my eyes now as she's turning around and i fight them back with everything i have. it's too late though. she's asking now why her mama is crying.

i tell her they are happy tears.
and i tell her, i'm just remembering all the wonderful memories she's given me so far.
and that i love her.
and that she is kind.
and smart.
and beautiful.
and perfect.
ab-so-lutely perfect.
and as i brush her long brown hair with perfectly golden highlights framed just so around her face... i silently cry (more like muffled sobs with ridiculous amounts of hysteria, but you know, whatever) so she can't hear me.

and i think to myself, my baby isn't a baby anymore.

she's growing up, mama.

she'll never be little again.

sigh.
yet, the strangest thing happens...as my heart is aching for those wonderful times gone by-my heart is bursting with pride at the same time.
you wanna know why?
because she's perfect.
ab-so-lutely perfect.

i get my angels all tucked in. it's just me and roxee awake now.
and even through my pride, my happiness, my joy...
i cry each and every time i pass that big girl backpack that night before big school.

my baby, she started kindergarten.

and she's not looking back.

navigation

it's tough navigating the waters of life, eh?
we all have a lot on our plates.
we all have different stressors.
we all have our varied forms everyday.

so why, is life so damn hard for me?
i know my husband didn't come with an instruction manual.
neither did my kids.
why is it that some people seem to get it?
why do they get to know how to handle life?
did they get a special book?
and where can i get this book?
were they born with some seventh sense that i know nothing about?
how come i wasn't born with it, too?

honestly though...does everyone have these questions or is it just me? (don't answer that)

i'm hearing a lot from people in my life, that i am not ok now.
that i am different than usual. and that stings sometimes.
but then, i take a look inside and inventory my thoughts of late.
and that's when i think i see what they see.

a different girl.
a different mom.
a different me.

i started this draft february 2010.
and i finished it today, more than a year later.

i just keep wondering, is there more for me?
yes there is.

and tomorrow... i'll recap what it's been like in the past few months. with pictures and happiness.
pinky promise.

Free

my children are amazing.
every. single. ounce. of. them. is. amazing.
the smiles.
the silly faces.
the impersonations.
the laughter that erupts from nowhere and stays until their little faces turn red.
the hugs.
the kisses.
the spontaneous emotions.
the conversation.
the imagination.
the bossiness.
the defiance.
the independence.
all of it.
it's all amazing.

as a babysitter in my younger years, i always knew that little ones were cool. but i never really GOT how these little creatures are just so miraculous; until i was a mommy. now i see the amazing-ness all around me everyday. take for example this morning. let me set the scene:
7:05 AM
we've just dropped daddy off at work.
the kids and i are in the car alone with a 20 minute drive ahead of us.
fun. i know.
i roll the windows down.
decide on a radio station.
seek approval from the littles on choice of station.
and crank up the music-LOUD.
thankfully, this morning, there was a slew of good sing-a-long type songs to be heard. and we dove right in.
'Free' by Zac Brown Band is one of their favorites and it was the first one we listened to today.
i sneak a peek at their beautiful faces.
MP is squealing, "my song! my song! sissy, you heeeaaaarrr? my song!"
Norie is tapping her sweet hands to the beat on her door window. her eyes slowing closing as the chorus begins...
"Just as free
Free as we'll ever be
Just as free
Free as we'll ever be"
my babies belt out those words as loud as their voices will let them. swaying to the music. having no real understanding of how fitting this chorus is for this moment in our lives.
we've got no worries in this moment.
no stress.
just beautiful music, harmonies, and love.
all three of us continue singing in unison with Zac and his band.
i sneak another peak because i know that MP's favorite part is coming up.
his smile is wide and carefree. little teeth beaming through and blond locks glowing in the sun. Norie is bobbing her head. singing every word. (on key)
and suddenly, collectively, our voices get soft...
"No we don't have a lot of money (voices soft)
No we don't have a lot of money (getting louder)
No we don't have a lot of money (almost to full blast)
All we need is love" (singing our hearts out LOUDLY)
i get overwhelmed each time i hear them sing those words. my babies don't know that we are, in fact, not wealthy.
but they DO know-love surrounds them.
they DO know our family is close. (grandmas, grandpas, aunties, uncles, cousins-all of us)
they DO know someone will always be there for them. no matter what the situation.
they DO know in our family we overuse 'i love you'.
they DO know hugs and kisses are unlimited.
because in our family: "ALL WE NEED IS LOVE"
my babies show me the meaning of this phrase-everyday.

amazing, isn't it?

birthday e-vites

Princess Norah is turning four,
Won’t you come with us to explore?
Fish, butterflies, alligators and sharks
And some more critters from Noah’s Ark
Are waiting for you to come by and see ‘em…
At the Natural Science Museum!
Cupcakes and juice will be there too,
Now we’re just waiting to hear from you!

Natural Science Museum
Saturday, August 21, 2010
10 AM-12 PM

yes, i know it is August

and i realize i haven't posted anything since, well, ummmmmm...
that last post, which was titled a lot but said really nothing at all.
cause i had a lot to say then.
but that in no way amounts to the volume of stuff i have bouncing around in my brain right now. i'm not ready to talk about it all yet. not even one tiny bit. but writing, it helps me.
it helps me remember.
it helps me to feel.
it helps me declutter my thoughts.
it helps me hurt.
it helps me heal.
it helps me laugh.
it helps me cry.
it helps me hold grudges when i just don't want to let it go.
it helps me put away some of the exhausting feelings i have been having of late.
it helps me work it all out.
it helps me. it just freaking helps.

so here i am writing; random, fractured thoughts.
in a nutshell, my head is crazy right now. bouncing, erratic bits of information, questions, emotions, thoughts.
i feel left out by some.
i feel shut out by others.
a lot of people confuse me.
others hurt me in ways i didn't know possible.
i got really pissed off this weekend. i mean like REALLY pissed off.
today was my first day back at work in almost a month.
my new scar on my physical self looks good; healing up nicely. i am a firm believer in that skin super glue.
the new wounds on my heart aren't healing like i think they should. sometimes i wonder if they are meant to heal at all.
i am amazed by the compassion of others.
the outpouring of love and giving in honor of another.
thankful for so much.
those McDonald's french fries were not a nutritious lunch or enough to fill the void in my belly.
my eyes hurt a lot.
i got new glasses last week but they don't quite fit right yet.
i think lucida sans should be the default font for the world.
this might be enough for today.
so i'll end with this:

my heart

a lot

i have a lot to say. i just don't know where to start or where to end.
both of the offspring have been particularly funny lately.
i really like to swim.
the kids like to slip n slide.
roxee likes frogs. (well, i don't know if we have toads or frogs)
i haven't had a lot of time to think lately.
i made a random comment on my friend M's blog.
maybe i'll have more to say tomorrow.
KH-this post was for you.
just so ya know.

the end.