Wednesday, January 23, 2013

the beginning

So, I announced a few weeks ago that I was 'brain training' for a 5k. I am not a runner y'all. But I decided to do it. I put myself out there, and so I'm gonna follow through.

I started my REAL training 4 days ago. The training where I really run. I'm using this app called couch25k free. It's fairly simple to use. You just download it and then you do the workouts that are very easy to follow. My body is screaming at me, but I just keep pushing through. I have to keep pushing. I very much want to make this a real thing- being a runner. You have no idea what it would mean to me, to just make this happen-for me to GET to the 5K and RUN this thing.

I have always struggled with doubt. I've always struggled with worry. I've always struggled with self-confidence. And I have always been one to not follow through. I am working to change my thought processes, my view of myself, if not just for myself, then for my daughter and for my son. How will I do this? I ask myself. How can you change? Self, YOU HATE CHANGE. And then I heard something really awesome on the radio yesterday and they continued to talk about it this morning:

"To have doubt, you had to have had faith in something first."  

That  has been so powerful for me. It's been a light bulb. My 'AH-HA!' moment.  I think mostly because I have struggled with doubt and worry (for me they are always together, those feelings, creeping in together, always together) and that doubt and worry has always led to my self-confidence falling so low. Here is a typical thought process for me when trying to do something new: Convincing myself that I couldn't do something (doubt) and then freaking out about it (worry) and then kicking myself for not following through because I started that new thing even though I told myself I couldn't (self-confidence shattered).

I know. Could you imagine living in that cycle? I have for a long time.

Here is how it's changing... before hearing these words, these words of hope for me, I didn't give myself the opportunity to realize that I really did believe in myself. My inner dialogue just automatically assumed I couldn't do this something I wanted to achieve. But now, I am taking the time to breathe first. I am taking the time to realize that I really could do these things that I really want to achieve. I can follow through. I don't have to kick myself all the time. I don't have to automatically assume to worst. Because honestly, it really comes down to one thing in my mind... FAILURE. It has always been easier for me to not follow through because, well- what if I failed? I don't DO failure.


Ironic, isn't it?  I can push and preach these things to/on my children yet, in the same breath inside of me, tell myself I can't. It's a very humbling thought, really. I know failure is real. I know not doing everything right and perfect is real. I know that you can't always tie life up in a pretty, little bow. I also know, that I have to try. Try new things. Try old things you didn't think you were good at.

Wake up. Breathe. Try.
Wake up. Breathe. Try Harder.

I want my daughter to know that her mama was strong both mentally and physically. That she was confident, yet humble. I want Norah to know that I loved myself, took care of myself, and never, ever, put someone else's opinion of me before my opinion of myself. I want her to be proud of me. I want her to respect me.

I want Mark Patrick to know that his mother was strong both mentally and physically. That she was confident, yet humble. I want him to know that I loved myself, took care of myself, and never, ever, put someone else's opinion of me before my opinion of myself. I want him to be proud of me. I want him to respect me.

Do you see how that works? I have a daughter and a son. A male and a female. I am responsible for these little bodies and hearts and minds and souls and manners and beings. I want the same for them.  

I want the same for me.

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