the beginning

So, I announced a few weeks ago that I was 'brain training' for a 5k. I am not a runner y'all. But I decided to do it. I put myself out there, and so I'm gonna follow through.

I started my REAL training 4 days ago. The training where I really run. I'm using this app called couch25k free. It's fairly simple to use. You just download it and then you do the workouts that are very easy to follow. My body is screaming at me, but I just keep pushing through. I have to keep pushing. I very much want to make this a real thing- being a runner. You have no idea what it would mean to me, to just make this happen-for me to GET to the 5K and RUN this thing.

I have always struggled with doubt. I've always struggled with worry. I've always struggled with self-confidence. And I have always been one to not follow through. I am working to change my thought processes, my view of myself, if not just for myself, then for my daughter and for my son. How will I do this? I ask myself. How can you change? Self, YOU HATE CHANGE. And then I heard something really awesome on the radio yesterday and they continued to talk about it this morning:

"To have doubt, you had to have had faith in something first."  

That  has been so powerful for me. It's been a light bulb. My 'AH-HA!' moment.  I think mostly because I have struggled with doubt and worry (for me they are always together, those feelings, creeping in together, always together) and that doubt and worry has always led to my self-confidence falling so low. Here is a typical thought process for me when trying to do something new: Convincing myself that I couldn't do something (doubt) and then freaking out about it (worry) and then kicking myself for not following through because I started that new thing even though I told myself I couldn't (self-confidence shattered).

I know. Could you imagine living in that cycle? I have for a long time.

Here is how it's changing... before hearing these words, these words of hope for me, I didn't give myself the opportunity to realize that I really did believe in myself. My inner dialogue just automatically assumed I couldn't do this something I wanted to achieve. But now, I am taking the time to breathe first. I am taking the time to realize that I really could do these things that I really want to achieve. I can follow through. I don't have to kick myself all the time. I don't have to automatically assume to worst. Because honestly, it really comes down to one thing in my mind... FAILURE. It has always been easier for me to not follow through because, well- what if I failed? I don't DO failure.

I am always preaching to my kids: YOU CAN DO THIS! YOU CAN BE ANYTHING! YOU ARE STRONG! YOU ARE MIGHTY! YOU ARE AMAZING! JUST TRY AND YOU CAN ACHIEVE!

Ironic, isn't it?  I can push and preach these things to/on my children yet, in the same breath inside of me, tell myself I can't. It's a very humbling thought, really. I know failure is real. I know not doing everything right and perfect is real. I know that you can't always tie life up in a pretty, little bow. I also know, that I have to try. Try new things. Try old things you didn't think you were good at.

Wake up. Breathe. Try.
Wake up. Breathe. Try Harder.
Repeat.

I want my daughter to know that her mama was strong both mentally and physically. That she was confident, yet humble. I want Norah to know that I loved myself, took care of myself, and never, ever, put someone else's opinion of me before my opinion of myself. I want her to be proud of me. I want her to respect me.

I want Mark Patrick to know that his mother was strong both mentally and physically. That she was confident, yet humble. I want him to know that I loved myself, took care of myself, and never, ever, put someone else's opinion of me before my opinion of myself. I want him to be proud of me. I want him to respect me.

Do you see how that works? I have a daughter and a son. A male and a female. I am responsible for these little bodies and hearts and minds and souls and manners and beings. I want the same for them.  

I want the same for me.

fabulous first grader

the leading lady in my life, Norah Parker, is for a fact a "fabulous first grader". no color system at school, no award, no accolade, no certificate can make that statement any more of a truth. i know this. i live with this (mostly) understated fabulosity every day.

if you have kids in public school or probably even daycare, you know about the dreaded 'color system' for keeping up with the children's daily behavior. i personally think this is a really crappy system and that some days no color will truly capture the entirety of every child's all day attitude and behavior. i truly believe this with my entire being when Norah is on any color other than green. because green means, we kept it between the lines, y'all. and that is good. i will not discuss my thoughts on yellow, orange, blue and red. yet, since i am not a teacher (GOD BLESS TEACHERS), i really can't complain about this system. cause i don't have to use it. and that is also good.  (did we have a color system when we were in kindergarten? i honestly don't remember.)

anyways. Norah, came home from her first day back of school from the Christmas Holidays yesterday. i asked about what color she was on and in typical Norah style, she traced the letters of the color in the air.
P-I-N-K
so i asked again. sometimes she's a tricker.
P-I-N-K, she traced in the air once more.

YAY!!!! i praise her. high fives all around. PINK means you were a "fabulous first grader" in the eyes of your teacher that day. PINK means that you went above and beyond. PINK means you were especially wonderful. not only did you keep it between the lines, you were probably nice to people. being nice and keeping it in the lines are hard work. i struggle with it all the time.

now, in the midst of all this praise, my sweet angel girl just grins. and almost as an after thought, she tells us there is a certificate in her folder. she got some kind of award. she wasn't all showy-in-your-face-cocky-holier-than-thou-BAM!-i-got-an-award-and-also-have-no-idea-what-this-means-talking either. she simply asked me to look at it. she was proud.

Norah was presented a certificate for exemplifying a characteristic in school. COMPASSION. she was honored for her compassion.

this.is.huge.  

Merriam-Webster's definition of compassion: "sympathetic consciousness of others' distress together with a desire to alleviate it."

i have often prayed for a more compassionate heart. a more sympathetic soul. a desire to love others better. i had no idea that God's answer to my prayers was in the form of a "fabulous first grader" in all of her 6 year old glory.

she sparkles.
she shines.
she whole body laughs.
she is hilarious. 
she is my baby.
she is my big girl.
she my favorite female.
she is my daughter.
she is my teacher.

i'm a terrible blogger

i always wait unusually long amounts of time before i update this blog.
sometimes i forget it.
sometimes i'm lazy.
mostly it's a combination of the two.

since we are into the big 2013 already, i guess i should give y'all my resolutions. honestly, i don't believe in resolutions. and really, i don't like to call them resolutions, either. i like to call them "try real hard to do these things". i figure, if i care about something enough, i will do it. ya know? but nonetheless, i always make them. every year. :)

My 2013 "try real hard to do these things" things:
1. love better.
i really mean this one. not like flashy, showy, in your face for the world to see love better. but deeper, more thoughtful, make sure my family and friends know- really, really KNOW i love them.

2. be a more present mother.
this one is tricky. i don't feel like i am a terrible mother. i just feel like i could be doing way better. i often snap at my children. sometimes i am more into my phone, laptop, tv, etc. than i am their conversation or "watch me, mama!". i'm not proud of it. but it's the truth and i'd love to consciously be in the moment with them more. they are growing up so quickly and i want to be able to remember all the savory details of their childhoods.

3. thank the husband more.
he's really not so bad, ya know. he's the best daddy to my babies. he loves them. he cares for them. he plays with them. he cuddles them and sings with them. he makes fun of their mama with them. and ya know what, he's mostly good to me, too. i really need to learn how to verbalize and show him that i really appreciate him. as a human, as a husband, and as my best friend.

4. run a 5K.
this one is in the books y'all. for real. i am currently 'brain training' for the 'Color Me Rad 5K' on March 23, 2013. this is 4 days before my 29th birthday. what exactly is brain training you may ask? well, it's where i think REAL hard about starting that couch to 5K app thing i downloaded on my phone about a monthish-ish ago. i suck at running. i have horrible workout commitment issues. and i just put this out there for the internets to see. keep me going. it's on.

5. beat all the kid wii games we got for Christmas.
i'm a nerd. i realize this. get over it. (this is the first gaming console i have owned since the original nintendo. no lie. it's kind of a big deal.)

happy 2013, y'all!

*note: i was totally gonna add some pictures but blogger is weird today.*

i'm a lunatic

i have been thinking about what traditions i want to carry on with my children.
you know the ones that came from my parents and grandparents for me and my sisters.
one of the ones i think i may carry on is lying to my children for my own personal gain and/or sanity.
there is actually a lady who writes on about this on HelloGiggles and it's (not surprisingly) titled, Lies I Tell My Daughter.  
i mean, i'm not going to tell them that they are space aliens and we are not their parents or anything...
ugh, i'm not explaining this very well.
let me just give you an example.
here is my most memorable lie from my childhood:

my Pop used to tell me that there were alligators under the bed in his room so we would take a nap.
this is not a lie.
he would put us to bed in the middle of the day ya'all, like we needed a nap in the middle of the day:/
and tell us to be still.
then shut the door to the room.
when we were not laying there motionless, he would very quickly remind us... there are alligators under the bed and that they would eat us if we tried to get down.
i believed it until i was like 10.
horrifically enough, i STILL to this day do NOT hang any body part off the bed whilst sleeping NOR do i simply ‘get out of bed’ in the middle of the night.
i LAUNCH myself to as close as i can get to the bathroom (or bedroom door) and then jump once more into the bathroom (or out of the bedroom and typically on two toes and pray for their safety as this is happening) and then do it in reverse on the way back, due to irrational fear of alligators under the bed.

this is factual information.

and I understand it is strange and somewhat delusional on my part.

i’m almost ok with that.

so whaddya think? alligator stories for my kiddies, or no?

leave me a comment below with 'the lies your parents/grandparents/guardians/siblings/etc told you when you were younger', it'll be fun.

i promise. :)

Wiggling. Yes.

Hey ya'll!
Happy new year to you and yours! :) 
Just so you know, one of my resolutions for the big 2012 is to be a more consistent blogger. Which, in turn, makes you my fabulous blog readers, my accountability group.
So, you are welcome.
And many thanks.
And I'm done.

Ha, no not really.
Ok, so here's the deal...

I REALLY love to dance. Like a lot. 
When i was younger, ya know... many moons ago, I enjoyed dancing for others. (Get your head outta the gutta! Not exotically, but like on stage, with a team or at school games and such.) 
But now, I really just like dancing for my own enjoyment without any extra eyes. I won't get into the reasoning.
Now, one of my ab-so-lute favorite places to dance is in the car. My new favorite group to dance to in the car is LMFAO. Particularly their song, I'm sexy and I know it!
Have you ever heard that song?
I freaking can't get enough! It just makes me giddy. I get an uncontrollable urge when I hear this song to just bust a move. Listen to it. Try not to wiggle when you listen and get back with me if you can be still. We'll need to check your pulse and see if you are even alive. For real. (I'm actually listening to it right now as I'm blogging and dancing in my cubicle.)
So, as usual, I'm driving to work this morning and I'm dancing some kind of fierce and singing at the top of my lungs and pull up to the red light.
So does a random man in a very nice new Chevy truck.
He looks over at the amazingness that is taking place in the driver's side of my vehicle.
He makes this horrible face.
Then, he creepily and very suggestively takes a bite of his banana and speeds off!
At first, I'm thinking "ewwwwwwwww!!!" 
::shudders due to flashback::

And then I think back to the day before.
Different street.
Different random person pulling up beside me.
I'm dancing to the same song and singing very loudly.
Person looks over at me and sees the amazingness going down.
Makes almost the same horrible face.
Same speeding away.

What is the deal people?
Do you not enjoy a little cardiovasuclar excercise in the car first thing in the morning? Cause apparently, I do.
So then, that prompted me to write the following as my facebook status this morning:

"i'm beginning to wonder if my driver side dancing is starting to scare people or make them uncomfortable. for the second morning in a row, the people beside me have looked over, saw the awesomeness and then sped quickly away. i mean, i can't help it that me and LMFAO have a fantastic dance party in the car!"

Really though, really.
I don't think I have EVER sped away from someone after watching them have a dance party in the car. Or singing at the top of their lungs. Or even picking their boogers.
Am I repulsing you, strange random drivers that pull up beside me during my own personal interpretive dance at 6:40 AM?
Do you not know how to have a good time?
Are you not rejuvinated by watching someone else enjoy themselves?
Did I not just give you an awesome laugh?

Well, I guess I'll never know the answers to those questions.
And I guess it doesn't bother me too much.
I'm sure I'll be dancing again on the way home and just being awesome.  
Or scaring people, again.

Do you dance in the car?
Sing expressively?
Pick your boogers?
If so, leave me a comment below.
I wanna know who my peeps are.

hop, hop, hop

last night, a truly amazing thing happened.
i picked up my kiddos and headed to the house after work. that's the normal everyday stuff. keep reading. the girl had some homework, and since daddy was cooking, we decided to go ahead and tackle it before we all got sleepy. this was her first REAL homework assignment.

but i guess you need the back story to fully appreciate this amazing-ness. here goes...
a few weeks ago, i had a parent/teacher conference with the fabulous Ms. W, my girl's kindergarten teacher. it was a general meeting in which the kindergarten teachers would meet with each student's parent to discuss their child's report card and their child's progress or lack there of to date. the same day this was to occur, the little man had surgery. so this mama was tired and emotional, to say the least. i walked in the door, terribly early for once in my life so i had to sit in the office until my appointment time. now i'm feeling like a kid in trouble and i began to wonder:
 am i old enough to be doing this?
 am i mature enough to accept the outcome of this meeting?
 what if all this time, all this time, i've been convinced my child was 'gifted' and more  intelligent than any other child her age and it was simply a mother's deluded vision of her child?
 will i get the wind knocked out of me if there's an observation made by the teacher i didn't plan on hearing?
 am i ready for this?

these questions continue to swirl around in my mind as i head to the gym. i'm surprising my girl and picking her up this day. she's excited to see me but confused, nonetheless. she asked why i was there and i remind her it's parent/teacher conference day. i get her settled in the hallway with the help of Ms. W's puzzle and shut the door to the room. my palms are sweating now and my knees are shaking a bit. i take a seat across the table from the teacher. it's time to begin.

we discuss Norie's report card, she asks if i have any questions. she shows me some 'characters' N had written the first day of school and then follows up with what the 'characters' should have been: the alphabet. my head starts spinning again. she continues to show me things from the beginning of the year but now, she's showing me the exact same exercises from a week before. my girl's progress was inspiring.
my girl, she was four when she started kindergarten. now my head is tingling, hairs standing on end...in awe of my child. a few more items are brought up for discussion and the teacher informs books will be going out in the next few weeks for guided reading to be done at home. i'm all for it, anything i can do to help.

Ms. W says there's one more thing she'd like to share with me before continuing. she turns around, grabs a small book, looks squarely into my eyes and i see hers are twinkling. i seriously don't know what is going on at this point. she lays the book in between us with the words facing me. she explains that earlier this week, N, read this very book i was looking at in the very chair i was sitting in at this very moment. i felt as if rays of light were coming out of Ms. W at this point and missed a few words that came out of her mouth. but, what i heard next was even more delicious. my girl headed back to her table to sit with her tablemates after getting praise and exclaimed with joy "Y'all I just read a book. I've been waiting my WHOLE LIFE to read!"

shut the front door.
my heard be still.
oh my ghandi.
is this for real?

i cried. sitting right there in that very chair at that very table my girl had experienced such magical joy and i cried some more. Ms. W, she got teary eyed, too, all because of my girl.
all of those questions i had before, doubts, anxiety-gone.
i shouldn't have even gone there.
i should have known better.

now, that very first book she read was only a few pages long. but it doesn't matter one bit. SHE READ A BOOK PEOPLE! the only sadness i felt was that i didn't experience it in the moment my girl did.

back to last night.
the guided reading book was her homework; it was ten pages long. the book's title was 'hop, hop, hop'
and you know what? she nailed it. every single word, no help, no prompts, no nothing.
SHE READ THE WHOLE BOOK! i squealed with excitement, squeezed her, kissed her, high-fived her face (i was going for her hand, but i missed!), squealed some more, did the happy dance and kissed her sweet cheeks until she begged for mercy.
i was there. i saw this happen. i watched that beautiful grin burst throughout her entire body.

we were up almost an hour after bedtime last night.
me and my girl.
reading books, together.

Mamaw

i've been quite nostalgic lately.
well, more so than usual.
tomorrow, my precious sister, Kris, will celebrate her birthday.
it also would have been my great-grandmother's birthday; better known as Mamaw.

Mamaw was a wonder of a human being.
she was smart, she was funny, she was kind.
she 'got her hair done' at the beauty shop; once a week if i remember correctly.
i can't remember her ever driving without the passengers being scared for their lives.
she used the dishwasher for storage. you know, cause bread and other dry goods keep so much better in a dishwasher.
there was always a crystal candy dish with my favorite orange slices on the table in between her and Grandaddy's recliners in the tv room.
she let me explore, wander, plunder, make things, cut things, climb trees, make forts...her house was like a secret passageway into kid heaven.
the first memory i have of cooking is with her. homemade dumplings. i cannot even explain with words how luxurious those dumplings were.
she even let me eat the uncooked ones. but only if i was really good.
there was always shredded coconut in the fridge and i had to sneak it out a pinch at a time or she would fuss.
her front porch was screened in and full of plants.
she loved begonias.
i get white and pink ones every year just because of her.

i loved her smile, her funny voice, her southern drawl, her love for my Grandaddy.
she had these arms that were so magical to me when i was little cause the underside of them felt like velvet.
and she never got mad when i kept trying to trace them with my tiny fingers.

Grandaddy was waited on hand and foot when she was around.
heck, all of us really. and if you offered to help, she'd pretend to let you when really she was doing it all.
she made sure Grandaddy had coffee and cake everyday. as it was his most favorite past time, coffee and cake.
i learned the art of playing 'wheel of fortune' in her lap; but only if i didn't block the tv.


its been a while now since she's been gone.
i wish with every ounce of my being she could have been at our graduations, weddings and birth of her great great grandchildren.
i love her still so very deeply.
i see her sometimes in my dreams.
i hope, one day, i'll live to see the day when my children's children have babies.
so they can call me Mamaw.
and i can love them as fiercely as she loved us.
Happy Birthday in Heaven, Mamaw.
we love you everyday.