the beginning

So, I announced a few weeks ago that I was 'brain training' for a 5k. I am not a runner y'all. But I decided to do it. I put myself out there, and so I'm gonna follow through.

I started my REAL training 4 days ago. The training where I really run. I'm using this app called couch25k free. It's fairly simple to use. You just download it and then you do the workouts that are very easy to follow. My body is screaming at me, but I just keep pushing through. I have to keep pushing. I very much want to make this a real thing- being a runner. You have no idea what it would mean to me, to just make this happen-for me to GET to the 5K and RUN this thing.

I have always struggled with doubt. I've always struggled with worry. I've always struggled with self-confidence. And I have always been one to not follow through. I am working to change my thought processes, my view of myself, if not just for myself, then for my daughter and for my son. How will I do this? I ask myself. How can you change? Self, YOU HATE CHANGE. And then I heard something really awesome on the radio yesterday and they continued to talk about it this morning:

"To have doubt, you had to have had faith in something first."  

That  has been so powerful for me. It's been a light bulb. My 'AH-HA!' moment.  I think mostly because I have struggled with doubt and worry (for me they are always together, those feelings, creeping in together, always together) and that doubt and worry has always led to my self-confidence falling so low. Here is a typical thought process for me when trying to do something new: Convincing myself that I couldn't do something (doubt) and then freaking out about it (worry) and then kicking myself for not following through because I started that new thing even though I told myself I couldn't (self-confidence shattered).

I know. Could you imagine living in that cycle? I have for a long time.

Here is how it's changing... before hearing these words, these words of hope for me, I didn't give myself the opportunity to realize that I really did believe in myself. My inner dialogue just automatically assumed I couldn't do this something I wanted to achieve. But now, I am taking the time to breathe first. I am taking the time to realize that I really could do these things that I really want to achieve. I can follow through. I don't have to kick myself all the time. I don't have to automatically assume to worst. Because honestly, it really comes down to one thing in my mind... FAILURE. It has always been easier for me to not follow through because, well- what if I failed? I don't DO failure.

I am always preaching to my kids: YOU CAN DO THIS! YOU CAN BE ANYTHING! YOU ARE STRONG! YOU ARE MIGHTY! YOU ARE AMAZING! JUST TRY AND YOU CAN ACHIEVE!

Ironic, isn't it?  I can push and preach these things to/on my children yet, in the same breath inside of me, tell myself I can't. It's a very humbling thought, really. I know failure is real. I know not doing everything right and perfect is real. I know that you can't always tie life up in a pretty, little bow. I also know, that I have to try. Try new things. Try old things you didn't think you were good at.

Wake up. Breathe. Try.
Wake up. Breathe. Try Harder.
Repeat.

I want my daughter to know that her mama was strong both mentally and physically. That she was confident, yet humble. I want Norah to know that I loved myself, took care of myself, and never, ever, put someone else's opinion of me before my opinion of myself. I want her to be proud of me. I want her to respect me.

I want Mark Patrick to know that his mother was strong both mentally and physically. That she was confident, yet humble. I want him to know that I loved myself, took care of myself, and never, ever, put someone else's opinion of me before my opinion of myself. I want him to be proud of me. I want him to respect me.

Do you see how that works? I have a daughter and a son. A male and a female. I am responsible for these little bodies and hearts and minds and souls and manners and beings. I want the same for them.  

I want the same for me.

fabulous first grader

the leading lady in my life, Norah Parker, is for a fact a "fabulous first grader". no color system at school, no award, no accolade, no certificate can make that statement any more of a truth. i know this. i live with this (mostly) understated fabulosity every day.

if you have kids in public school or probably even daycare, you know about the dreaded 'color system' for keeping up with the children's daily behavior. i personally think this is a really crappy system and that some days no color will truly capture the entirety of every child's all day attitude and behavior. i truly believe this with my entire being when Norah is on any color other than green. because green means, we kept it between the lines, y'all. and that is good. i will not discuss my thoughts on yellow, orange, blue and red. yet, since i am not a teacher (GOD BLESS TEACHERS), i really can't complain about this system. cause i don't have to use it. and that is also good.  (did we have a color system when we were in kindergarten? i honestly don't remember.)

anyways. Norah, came home from her first day back of school from the Christmas Holidays yesterday. i asked about what color she was on and in typical Norah style, she traced the letters of the color in the air.
P-I-N-K
so i asked again. sometimes she's a tricker.
P-I-N-K, she traced in the air once more.

YAY!!!! i praise her. high fives all around. PINK means you were a "fabulous first grader" in the eyes of your teacher that day. PINK means that you went above and beyond. PINK means you were especially wonderful. not only did you keep it between the lines, you were probably nice to people. being nice and keeping it in the lines are hard work. i struggle with it all the time.

now, in the midst of all this praise, my sweet angel girl just grins. and almost as an after thought, she tells us there is a certificate in her folder. she got some kind of award. she wasn't all showy-in-your-face-cocky-holier-than-thou-BAM!-i-got-an-award-and-also-have-no-idea-what-this-means-talking either. she simply asked me to look at it. she was proud.

Norah was presented a certificate for exemplifying a characteristic in school. COMPASSION. she was honored for her compassion.

this.is.huge.  

Merriam-Webster's definition of compassion: "sympathetic consciousness of others' distress together with a desire to alleviate it."

i have often prayed for a more compassionate heart. a more sympathetic soul. a desire to love others better. i had no idea that God's answer to my prayers was in the form of a "fabulous first grader" in all of her 6 year old glory.

she sparkles.
she shines.
she whole body laughs.
she is hilarious. 
she is my baby.
she is my big girl.
she my favorite female.
she is my daughter.
she is my teacher.

i'm a terrible blogger

i always wait unusually long amounts of time before i update this blog.
sometimes i forget it.
sometimes i'm lazy.
mostly it's a combination of the two.

since we are into the big 2013 already, i guess i should give y'all my resolutions. honestly, i don't believe in resolutions. and really, i don't like to call them resolutions, either. i like to call them "try real hard to do these things". i figure, if i care about something enough, i will do it. ya know? but nonetheless, i always make them. every year. :)

My 2013 "try real hard to do these things" things:
1. love better.
i really mean this one. not like flashy, showy, in your face for the world to see love better. but deeper, more thoughtful, make sure my family and friends know- really, really KNOW i love them.

2. be a more present mother.
this one is tricky. i don't feel like i am a terrible mother. i just feel like i could be doing way better. i often snap at my children. sometimes i am more into my phone, laptop, tv, etc. than i am their conversation or "watch me, mama!". i'm not proud of it. but it's the truth and i'd love to consciously be in the moment with them more. they are growing up so quickly and i want to be able to remember all the savory details of their childhoods.

3. thank the husband more.
he's really not so bad, ya know. he's the best daddy to my babies. he loves them. he cares for them. he plays with them. he cuddles them and sings with them. he makes fun of their mama with them. and ya know what, he's mostly good to me, too. i really need to learn how to verbalize and show him that i really appreciate him. as a human, as a husband, and as my best friend.

4. run a 5K.
this one is in the books y'all. for real. i am currently 'brain training' for the 'Color Me Rad 5K' on March 23, 2013. this is 4 days before my 29th birthday. what exactly is brain training you may ask? well, it's where i think REAL hard about starting that couch to 5K app thing i downloaded on my phone about a monthish-ish ago. i suck at running. i have horrible workout commitment issues. and i just put this out there for the internets to see. keep me going. it's on.

5. beat all the kid wii games we got for Christmas.
i'm a nerd. i realize this. get over it. (this is the first gaming console i have owned since the original nintendo. no lie. it's kind of a big deal.)

happy 2013, y'all!

*note: i was totally gonna add some pictures but blogger is weird today.*